Managing Your Anger
Anger is a "social emotion."
In World War II it was determined by the US Army that the time it took for a soldier to experience combat fatigue while fighting on the front lines was somewhere between 60 and 240 days, depending on the intensity and frequency of combat.
The typical presidential election campaign cycle is 365 days.
The typical community news cycle in the digital age is constant and never-ending.
Every day, hour, minute, second, millisecond, something stirs and sizzles online. It’s all quantity over quality, quick as a click. Social media is a nice place to visit, but I don’t want to live there.
If you’ve been reading, you know I’ve been battling lately. I would imagine, a large percentage of independent news mediums are birthed from anger. Anger serves its purposes. From Google’s AI feature, drawing from three sources:
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to events that are perceived as threats, violations, or injustices. It's part of our fight-or-flight system and has evolved to help us handle conflict and protect ourselves from danger. Anger can inspire powerful feelings and behaviors that allow us to fight back and defend ourselves when attacked. It can also help us compete for resources and enforce social norms.
Anger is a motivator; a natural, adaptive response to our current state of affairs. If we are truly paying attention, we are surrounded by threats, violations, and injustices.
Anger is part of our fight-or-flight system. Anger is in our DNA.
Again from Google AI:
Anger - A social emotion that's rooted in perceived wrongs or violations of accepted standards of conduct. Anger can be energizing and empowering, and it can motivate people to approach a situation.
A “social emotion.” Wait - what?
Social emotions are emotions that depend upon the thoughts, feelings, or actions of other people, "as experienced, recalled, anticipated or imagined at first hand".
Anger is an emotion that depends on other people. We make each other angry.
But we can’t live with anger. We can’t embrace it. We cannot endure it for long.
So, if anger is a natural, genetically undeniable response to our current state of affairs, dependent upon the attitudes and actions of others, and we can’t just smack them upside the head, what exactly are we supposed to do with it?
According to the American Psychological Association (AMA), there are three approaches to managing anger: expressing, suppressing, and calming.
Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others.
I’m not so good with this method. I intend “assertive,” but it always ends up “aggressive” because of my tone. (Besides, assertive women are always viewed as aggressive anyway.)
Anger can be suppressed and then converted or redirected. Hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to convert it into constructive behavior. But, anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed, it can lead to pathological behavior.
Hmmm. There’s a lot of angry people out there…. I see a little of myself in there too, but I’m not so good at Method Two, suppression, either.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior (which is hard enough), but also controlling your internal responses, lowering your heart rate, calming yourself down, and letting the feelings subside.
I think this is my only real option. Of course, most people respond to “Calm down,” with “I am calm!” even when our unexpressed anger is leaking out. I love the tips provided for Method 3:
Check yourself. Try to identify warning signs that you’re starting to get annoyed. When you recognize the signs, step away from the situation or try relaxation techniques to prevent your irritation from escalating. I can do that. In fact, “I’m starting to get annoyed” might be my favorite new phrase.
Don’t dwell. Some people have a tendency to keep rehashing the incident that made them mad. That’s an unproductive strategy. Instead, try to let go. I’m a dweller. I can re-run something in my mind a million times in a day. The AMA suggests shifting that angry rehashing into appreciation. For example, “Anger brought me to this moment, but I am grateful that it has launched me on a new path. I am grateful for those who tell me, “I have been so angry too!”
Change the way you think. When you’re angry, it’s easy to feel like things are worse than they really are. Replace negative thoughts with more reasonable ones. I’m working on this right now too. So, I haven’t completely ruined my life by venturing off on a path I swore I’d never take again… I’ve launched something new and needed that is within my skillset.
I’ve been angry for a long time. It’s been especially intense since 2020, and extremely fierce these last few weeks. From the pandemic to political pundits, pandering to propaganda, I feel there are a multitude of reasons (people) stirring this social emotion of anger. We don’t feel appreciated, respected, or understood. We don’t feel served, safe, or even sometimes sane.
We live in a society that feeds our fears and our anger, both of which bring out our fight-or-flight responses that might lead to poor decisions and poor behaviors. Even though it feels like the world is out to get us, most likely it isn’t. (Though sometimes I’m just not sure.)
Try these strategies to reframe your thinking:
Use logic. Even when it's justified, anger can quickly become irrational. Remind yourself that the world is not out to get you. Do this each time you start feeling angry, and you'll get a more balanced perspective.
Translate expectations into desires. Angry people tend to demand things, whether it's fairness, appreciation, agreement, or willingness to do things their way. Try to change your demands into requests. And if things don’t go your way, try not to let your disappointment turn into anger.
Relax. Simple relaxation strategies, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help soothe angry feelings. Shallow breathing is angry breathing. Practice taking controlled, slow breaths that you picture coming up from your belly rather than your chest. If you practice one or more of these strategies often, it will be easier to apply them when angry feelings strike.
Improve your communication skills. People often jump to conclusions when they’re angry, and they can say the first (often unkind) thing that pops into their heads.
Get active. Regular physical exercise can help you decompress, burn off extra tension, and reduce stress that can fuel angry outbursts.
You can’t completely eliminate angry feelings. But you can make changes to the way those events affect you, and how you respond. By making the effort to keep your anger in check, you and the people close to you will be happier in the long run.