What is Empathy? What is Love?
America's Empathy Deficit
by Lisa Hayes-Minney (Originally published in Two-Lane Livin’ Magazine, August 2016)
With the way things have been going in this country lately, it should come as no surprise that I find myself studying the themes of empathy and love. Obviously, our nation is lacking, and I have found research and studies that prove it. A long-running survey of the level of empathy in our nation shows a 40% drop in empathy over the last 37 years. Those of us who are older than 37 can surely say we have seen the effects of this decline.
But what is empathy? What is love? Ask ten different people, and you will get ten different answers. How can we understand what we are lacking if we don't understand what these terms mean? Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another without judgment. Can you see how a shortage of this ability ends up on your evening nightly news?
Love is the will to invest in someone or something else for your own or another's spiritual benefit. Perfect love is mutually beneficial. Love is not some indefinable emotion that makes us crazy. Love is an action, an investment in not only ourselves but in others. Other people, pets, environments, communities.
I recently found myself in a discussion of tolerance among a group of people, one of whom kept flicking his cigarette butts on the sidewalk as he pontificated about the hatred that seems to have erupted in our culture. We discussed the roots of hatred; a lack of understanding, a lack of empathy, a lack of respect. Once he agreed with those as roots of hatred, I offered as an example, "Just as you hate the environment and the custodian."
Harsh? Perhaps. Accurate? Yes, I believe so. If hatred comes from a lack of empathy, a lack of understanding, and a lack of respect, then every careless, thoughtless action we take can be another wave of suffering for someone or something else. Neglect is lack of care, without empathy (understanding others) and love (investing in others) we have become a nation of neglect. No wonder we find ourselves arguing over which lives matter.
Life matters. Love matters.
I have a hard time with empathy. It's the "without judgment" part that gives me such a hard time. But, if we are making judgments, we cannot truly understand and share the feelings of another, now can we? I have a hard time with difficult people, which I suppose, likely makes me a difficult person in my own right.
But, when I asked a wise woman how she deals with difficult people, she replied, "Bless them, then release them." In other words, extend love and empathy, and then move on. It is not up to us to judge, to fix, to enlighten those we cannot find empathy for. For our own well-being, we can extend love to them, and then move on. We do not have to allow frustration, anger, and hatred, grow within us.
How many of us dispense love as a reward, and not as an investment? How many of us actively love our community or the environment around us? Some believe our sole purpose on this earth is to love one another -- to invest in one another for the greater good. Look at the community parks around you, most of them were built or established 50 years ago. Look at the festivals that were established. Our parents and grandparents were people who loved their community.
Since the terrible flooding in West Virginia last month (Summer 2016), I have been hooked on the stories that have been coming out of the recovering regions. They are all terrible and sad, but one story hit me hard. A couple, very aware of the nearby creek, prepared for high water. They were responsible and caring for their animals, their vehicles, and moved and secured what they could.
But it wasn't enough. They had to flee, and their bee hives, chicken coop, home, cars, camper, were all underwater. Their hives and tens of thousands of bees were washed away, and their birds, secured in their coop, all drowned. I thought of our bee hives, our hens, our home, garden, all gone -- and I sobbed.
It is easy to judge those who live on the water. Why do they live there? Don't they pay attention when it rains? But like this couple, we live near water, and we know its typical behavior. I could not judge them for being naïve, or ignorant. I could not judge them for being unaware. I knew, like us, they tried to be responsible, tried to do all the right things, and still lost all. My sobbing was empathy. I could understand and feel her devastation because that loophole of judgment no longer kept me from feeling.
How sad it takes such horrible events for us to also see love. Love as an investment. Love as an action. Neighbors helping neighbors; those with little donating time, money, and supplies to those who have nothing. People investing in others' lives, other communities, in others' survival. When tragedy takes away all you have, we are reminded how important -and how effective- love is.
When all else is washed away, love is what carries us through.
I am old enough to remember a time when this country had more empathy. A time when the word LOVE was on t-shirts, candles, hats, Frisbees. A time when the hit song rang out, "All you need is love." I remember when the term “trickle-down economics" was hot, and talking money, love, or empathy, it seems like very little trickles down anymore.
This world needs more love, less judgment. Until then, we can have no empathy for each other, for the planet and environment around us.
Where do you invest your love? Facebook? Television? How harshly do you judge those you do not understand? When was the last time you actually felt the feelings of another? Love is an action, and one we have to practice in all modes of our lives to have empathy in our lives and to nurture our collective spirits. There was a time when peace and love were trendy topics, a time when they were active elements in our society. It's time to activate them again.